I'm in just a huge mess right now.. I've confirmed I'm depressed, yet I hide it well from family and friends. I started feeling this feel about 2 years ago, but it's gotten to the point where suicide is on my mind. Yes, I'm your typical teenager, and maybe this is just a phase, but I'll give some details anyways. I was born with an uncurable bone disease which makes me break my bones easily. For instance, tripping, or even just walking could leave me with a broken leg. 2 years ago, I had about my 10th surgery after breaking my femur, and my doctors said that should be one of my last surgeries ever. I was absolutely thrilled, since I've been through nearly 10 surgeries and 30+ broken bones in just 16 years. I was sick of the pain, medications, and hospital visits, so that was pretty much the greatest news I heard in a while. Well, towards the end of last year, I was told my spine was doing bad... It was curving to the "dangerous" point and would need to be operated on. Recently, we received more detail on the surgery itself, and my doctor said it'd be extremely risky, but he'd try his absolute best. I have the surgery in less than a month, but now, I don't know if it's worth it. The very worst is going through my mind. Death, becoming paralyzed... especially on "my type". Besides having the fear of this surgery, I've lost faith in really my future. I've never had a boyfriend (friends that are guys, yes, but an actual boyfriend, no) and really had no huge desire for one, but I feel that I'll grow up alone.. I don't consider myself pretty at all, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be seen certain places, or in photos. I hate high school, and I hate the people in it.. Literally, I wake up everyday wanting to die, just not to go to high school. No I don't get bullied or anything.. I have quite a few friends that I really do love. But I feel that high school is hopeless for me, and there's no point in trying cuz nothing I do is ever good enough. I get yelled at for making high B's in my classes by my parents, getting told I'm a loser, I'll grow up as a failure and a nobody working at Mcdonalds. I'm forced to play the violin in hopes of getting a scholarship, because I'm unsure whether my parents can afford it now. I hate every second of it, but I have no way of getting out of it. I feel like my parents don't listen to me when I talk to them, and that it's useless to try. Besides the family issue, I just feel alone. I have friends, but I choose to spend my weekend doing my own thing, which recently led me into drinking. Not heavy drinking, just a couple drinks to get me "relaxed", but I have the urge to get more into drinking, getting high, what not. I'm trying not to fall into the wrong crowd, but I have a feeling my emotions will bring me there. No one knows how I feel, because I haven't shared it to anyone. I can't talk about this 1 on 1, face to face with another person... which is why I have no idea what to do. I want to talk to someone bad about it, in hopes of hearing "you're not alone" but at this point, I really do feel that way. My disease, my "unacceptable" grades, arguments, and just a sense of failure constantly is whats bringing me down. I had big goals for myself, to become a vet when I grew up.. go to college, grow up happy and healthy, and pray by then, a cure would be found. Now, reality struck me, and at times I find myself doubting I'll be smart enough to become a vet... which is the only thing I've wanted to do for 11 years. If I can't become one, I don't know what I'll do with my life. Basically, I'm just, a mess... My mom had a feeling I was depressed, and asked me about it, but as much as I wanted to say I was, I didn't. I don't want my parents or friends knowing, because I don't want different treatment, or sympathy. I've grown to be an independent person, and the last thing I want is others feeling sorry or treating me differently. Just in full honesty, what would you do in my case? And I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need advice, because I truly feel hopeless..|||TUMBLR! :) Haha But besides that.. I know you said no sympathy, but life has its ups and downs. I recommend finding a way to help people, or dedicating yourself to something like that.. Maybe start up a charity for research on your disease in your town? It can be nice to take the time and do something that benefits you and others, and it can help you meet people. It's something that I wish I had done in high school. Don't worry about the kids at school either, they're all jerky because they don't know any better right now, but just you wait. :) As for the boyfriend thing, just wait, a lot of girls want them out of the insecurity of not having one, they think they SHOULD have one and that it WILL make things better, relationships can cause sooo much stress and complication. I also recommend talking to your mom about it, I went through depression before and it can go both ways.. Family can reject it, it can hurt them, but it can also cause them to help you, usually you get the help option, because it hurts them to see you hurting so badly. You can do ANYTHING! :) It may take some extra work, but you CAN do it, and then you can write a book on how awesome you are and make tons of money! :) Please don't ever give up on life. :) There is ALWAYS someone willing to talk to you and listen to you and help you. Sometimes, you just have to remember to be stronger than the disease.|||Its understandable that you feel like you do and hiding it is not the answer because you are allowing negative thoughts feelings and emotions to get the better of you that way. I too have a disability and its hard to do the things that need doing for me and I too could give in to negative thoughts feelings and emotions but instead I CHOOSE to over ride them and think happy thoughts and work with what I still can do and that has been my best decision because that together with prayer and walking close with God have rescued me from the pit of negativity. You must realize as I did that negative draws more negative to it and it begins with maybe something like rejection or hurt and then fear creeps in and with fear comes hopelessness and isolation, despair, depression, anger, frustration, eventually leading to thoughts on suicide and many other destructive things. Has any of that added anything to your life? No - it just eats away at it; so obviously that route doesn't work. If however you choose to over ride all thoughts feeling and emotions and CHOOSE to do what must be done and add to that positive thinking, (and that will take a good bit of practice to create a new habit) you WILL rise above it all and stand out among people as someone who let nothing get her down, no matter how difficult her situation is. This is not impossible. I have had to do this and it's working. I don't really care what people think - It is what I think that matters. I learned to love myself warts and all and to realize I am special,l even if I cannot be like other people. I still have a place in this world and a purpose and one of them is to take the focus of ME and rather to reach out to others like you who are distressed and need help. Nothing is impossible. No matter what you have - be it a rare bone disease or even Multiple Sclerosis - the point is do not let it defeat you - you can control it. Its much the same with people in power - they feel powerful and then power overcomes them as opposed to them overcoming power and controlling power themselves. That is the real test of life. We have all got to live with things - some people have to live with faces full of acne - others have to live with blindness, deafness and all kinds of nasty things, yet they are able to do so and with great ease. Count your blessings and start thanking God for what you are capable of doing and praise him for it. He didn't make you that way - its probably something genetic that happened a gene that's faulty, whatever. My situation is like that. If I had to focus on that and allow it to grow a root of bitterness its not going to do me any good, so I accept that there is a problem. I will not allow it to overcome me - I will rather overcome it and I do. SO please if I can appeal to you to try rather looking at your cup as half full rather than half empty I would implore you to do so. Do what you can do best to the best of your ability. Be all that you can be and do not ever give in to negative. Yes treatments can be nasty and situations can be uncompromising but at least there is help out there for you. Read about positive things - read the bible too and you will find some wonderful great truths and mysteries and incredible wisdom and ask God to give you more understanding and wisdom too and he will. He loves you so much and cares so much about how you feel but he also wants you to be a victor not a victim. Reach out to him and let him help you along the way. Trust him for things that you need and remember see things as if they were and not as they are. That's a scripture in the bible. Keep your dream alive that God can heal you and ask him to. Thank him for it even if it doesn't happen immediately - anything is possible. Never lose hope. I don't. Carry on with life and master every challenge that you face with dignity and integrity and hope. You are not alone out there - there are many of us who have faced all kinds of things but we are making it through and so can you. God bless you and may you feel more encouraged. May he bring you healing from your hurt, healing physically, healing from negativeness and in every area of your life where you feel wounded. I will pray for you and believe God for a miracle for you. Now stand strong and never give in to this negative thinking again. You can and you must - do this for you!!!! You have to live with you for the rest of your life and you owe it to YOU!!!!|||well you have plenty to be depressed about - I would get myself to an AA meeting Al -a teen as there is hope there in the realness of people and its confidentiality you will meet the realest people that you could wish and see that holding everything in is a recipe for disaster. I would also try writing my thoughts down and doodling pictures of how i feel each day. I can sympathise with high school being **** my schooldays were not the happiest of my life - I think also try seeing your school counsellor and ask what is her confidentiality agreement with you - seriously you need to tell someone else,a real person what you are going through and really = Its no wonder - You might also try writing to your parents to say you need them to cut you a bit of slack - Also live in this moment you have enough worries without second guessing your future. These are the things I would do - because these are the things I never did when I was somewhere like you but with crippled psyche & I made a whole lot of dubious decisions & I didnt tell. If you can be this real here you really can be real in your life you just need boundaries to other who woill try to make it all abou them - Its your life no one elses.|||My email address is lauritth@gmail.com. I use that one most. Please email me if you will. I'm just a student not anything major. And in your case, I'd do only 1 thing. I'd start of slowly. Please do send me an email. I just feel you should.|||Its obvious that you're really smart because you seem to be very aware of yourself and your situation which is definitely a step up from the typical teenager. Your struggles have been a burden, yet they made you into the mature intelligent person you are now. Don't sell yourself short just because of your outlook for the future. You are still a full human being with dreams and goals and the potential to achieve them. It might be a good idea to talk to your family, at least your mom and let them in on what you're going through. Like someone above mentioned, opening up could help you get the support you need to feel better about things. You could also join online support groups or seek counseling. And feeling sorry for someone is not the same as pity. Sympathizing helps people understand your situation and allows them to do what they can to make things easier for you. So most importantly, surround yourself with positive things and the people who make you happiest. So, in your situation you should do what you feel is best for you. Only you can be your best advocate. If you don't like violin then look for other ways to get scholarships. There are even some scholarships for people with osteoporosis (if that's correct...) There are many options out there. As long as you try your best in school then only that should matter because in the end its your life, not your parents', friends, or any other loser who calls you names. Ultimately its YOURS and you can do what you want with it. So don't give up on yourself because you're worth everything this world has to offer!|||Print what you wrote and show it to your medical doctor. There could be a side effect to your meds making you feel this way or other medical issues causing this. Maybe you need counseling to talk to someone about your future fears. Print this and leave it for your mom to read, she wants to help you, and you deserve that kind of support. Peace be with you.|||You are a very strong women. Just don't give up. If life really ends beyond control, let it be. Be very, very proud that you have done your very best for your life.|||i know exactly how you feel. my situation is almost excatly the same as yours about your friends and the boyfirend and your future. I dont really have that many friends but i do have a few that i love and ive never had a boyfriend and im 16 too and i really dont go out on the weekends by choice too and i hate high school!!! so dont worry your not alone i promise. My main advice is just not to give up i thought about it a few times and its just not worth cause if you can stay strong through this you can do anything seriously. I know this may sound stupid and it might be hard to do cause it was hard for me but try to replace a negative though with a positive one right hen the negative one comes to you and just try to look at things with a different perspective. I dont if this will help you at all i really hope it does cause i know how you feel but i promise you it will get better and high school doesnt last forever so dont worry and keep your dream about becoming a vet. Dont give up it will be all worth it later on!|||You don't necessarily have to talk to your parents or your friends about anything (although it helps to have that support network and I would encourage you to do so) but you should definitely go to a psychologist. This is not merely what I WOULD do if I were in your situation, but what I DID when I was in your situation- I have bipolar disorder, not depression, but treatment really can help and life really does get better, as hard as it may be to believe that right now. Don't give up on yourself- get help from someone who knows exactly HOW to help you :)

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