Ok, this relationship with my older brother goes back to even 4th grade. Whatever I did that was considered “a great job” in my class, my brother would always do an assignment in his grade ten times better. This went on ever since I could remember. My parents never really paid much attention to me (and I'm the youngest, and happen to be a girl. Isn't that strange?) and would give all of their attention to my brother. For example, I once got 1st place in my school's science fair, but my parents didn't make it to the science fair. Instead, they were at my brother's national science fair, in which he won 2nd place, along with winning 1st at the school and state science fair. Yeah, it wasn't fun. I would get a 3.8 but he would get a 4.0. He tried to brag about these things in my face, but what I would tell myself every day was that I am trying my best in school, hoping for a better education for me, not anyone else, and that was all that mattered. When I was a sophomore in high school and he was a senior, that's when it all changed. My brother got a 3.0 GPA, and about a 900 on the SAT. But during the years, as he was growing up with me, he started to get more and more lazy. So he went to California State Long Beach, failed all his classes and dropped out, and got a full time job at McDonald's. Because of his job, my parents were willing yet completely disappointed in letting him live at the house Meanwhile, I got a 4.3 GPA with about a 1500 on the SAT, as a student at UCSF, far away from home, becoming an anesthesiologist. I got a part time scholarship and have been doing well. But now that the “tables have turned”, my parents give me this “praise” that I'm not used to while my brother gets....... Lectures about his ruined life. The last time I visited my family, which was about 4 days ago, my brother told me that he will always hate me, and that he wish I would die so that “...mom and dad won't give a sh** about you”. He's my brother, and although we have fought, I still love him, try to encourage him, and try to help Him get new opportunities. The only problem is that he doesn't want to have to do anything with me. How can I try to help our relationship? I've tried asking my parents not to congratulate me in front of my family and to help my brother, yet they fail to do so. How can I solve this situation?|||Okay, you are seeing this as somehow being about your brother's relationship with you, and thinking you have some actual influence. But it's not, and you don't. This is all the creation of your parents - who have created, and are still sustaining, the green-eyed monster of jealousy. Your brother's life, and his accomplishments are all ultimately HIS choice and HIS responsibility to manage. As is yours. (picking up on a theme here, I hope?) Your parents, in their infinite lack of wisdom, established a whole system manipulating praise and attention to create a sense of need and competition between you - instead of encouraging you each to be the best you can be, loving you two and giving you attention equally according to your individual needs and lights, and encouraging you to be loving and supportive of one another, they are still praising and/or lecturing at you both as though you were little children. It is toxic and counterproductive behavior on their part. Your parents would be doing your brother more of a favor if they pushed him out on his own, instead of nagging at him and lecturing him and still supporting him close to mommy's apronstrings. I would almost be willing to bet that your brother is a heavy marijuana user, and/or may have some mental health condition such as depression (unipolar or bipolar depression) - the sudden lack of motivation in school (which typically comes in the late teens and early 20's) tied up with self-medication is very common. He won't get help until he hits bottom - and as long as mom and dad keep throwing him bones, he won't. Since you are not there, you can't really exert much influence - and because your parents have basically poisoned the relationship between you and your brother, you probably can't say anything to them about weed or depression because I doubt your parents will listen. You cannot help your brother - but what you CAN do is to try to derail your parents' toxicity train. By which I mean, don't just sit there and bask in praise for you and tolerate the lectures for him. Enough! Tell them what you told us here - tell them that you are really BOTHERED by the whole competitive, toxic family dynamic. Tell them that you do what you do for yourself - for your own reasons - that it has always been that way, even though they never paid attention to you - and you should be loved simply because you are their kid. And the same should be true of your brother. Tell them that you are not competing with your brother - and that you are grown up enough to make your own choices. That chiding him for what he is doing is like lecturing an overweight person about the dangers of fast food: it doesn't help, and it engenders frustration and hatred on his part. That they never really listened to either one of you, and it is high time they started. I doubt this will accomplish a thing, since you say you've asked them not to do this before. My guess is that they are all wrapped up in their kids' achievements, and since big bro is not achieving, it is like he doesn't exist. And since they are so toxic, they don't want to see that they have created this monster. All you can do is keep repeating it. If you get a little crabby when you keep repeating it, it may be more likely to get through. Worth a whirl. They are in deep denial, though.|||All brothers and sisters fight. but i would say your brother is more fighting and you arnt fighting back. which is a smart thing to do. was there anything you did when you were younger to cause him to dis like you this much? he also could be very competitive and just want to be the best and get all the attention. ask him why he doesnt like you and what you did to cause this anger. i hope i helped.|||Hi there! it is important that you first see that it is not your fault that this is happening..maybe karma (involuntary revenge). well, anyway, you should start by telling your brother how you felt in the olden days. i know that it can be hard talking to someone who doesn't want to talk to you, but think about what could happen if you don't fix this problem know. always be positive and try to be the solution. in your case, call your brother and talk to him. if he doesn't pick up, leave message or email him. or, take the time to go to him personally, and tell him you want to have a mature talk with him. remember that and you will do fine. i am 13 years old and know a lot of things on family. take care and all the best!!!!!|||I really don't know that you can. Your brother is living with the consequences of his own choices. The fact that he blames you for them or resents you for your success simply means that he's an insecure, immature, pathetic person. Your parents certainly didn't help the situation but you have nothing to deserve this from what you say. I suggest continuing to be kind to him for your own sake but don't let him treat you badly or say mean things to you as you have done nothing wrong. I feel for your situation but you can only control your behavior and your reactions.

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