international house: Scene: International House Of Pancakes Two tables pushed together in the middle of a busy morning rush. A gaggle of poets are having an animated discussion. Cheese: I can’t believe this sh**hole doesn’t have real maple syrup... Dave: There’s maple syrup right in front of you! Cheese: That’s not maple syrup, dummy. That’s maple-flavored corn syrup. Dave: (laughing with derision, spitting bits of pancake) Oh, now I’ve heard everything. Hey Ma! Cheese is mocking the syrup! Ma: I suppose he’s not happy with his margarine, either? What’s with you, Cheesy, you some kinda fancy-boy? Cheese: (slowly shakes head, mutters to himself, speaks up) No, Ma, I just happen to like real maple syrup. Sorry I brought it up. Yidiot: He likes his coffee filtered through French undies. He told me as much. Schultzie: Before or after he wears ‘em? Doe: While. Ma: He sent me a pair! BG: Me too! I sent them to the FBI. Waitress: (chewing gum, mercifully interrupts conversation) How is everything, here? Dave: Cheesy doesn’t like the syrup! Cheese: (panicked) No, no! It’s fine. He’s just joking. It’s all good...(gives dave dirty look) Waitress: (to cheese, smacking gum loudly) What’rya, some kinda fancy-boy? Cheese: No, Please...I’m fine. Thanks. (mumbles something inaudible) Waitress: (hand on hip, with attitude) Are you copping an attitude with me? (Dave is instantly on his feet. In a flash, he is next to the waitress. His arm finds it’s way smoothly around her waist, and he gently steers her to the breakfast-bar, where he can be heard speaking in hushed and soothing tones.) CBOLAR: Nice job, Cheese; anger the waitress. Schultzie: Dang it! I wanted more bacon! (reaches, takes a piece off dave’s plate) Cheese: Pig is a filthy animal. Nancy: (on her laptop) Speaking of filthy animals, check out this poem from overseas! BG: (spits her coffee) Nancy! Doe: Schultzie, Dave is gonna kill you... Schultzie: (defiant, ripping bacon with his teeth) He ain’t gonna do sh**! Cheese: I’m just sayin’, pig is a filthy animal... Yidiot: (exasperated) Yes, yes, we all saw Pulp Fiction–shut the fu** up! Cheese: Shhhh! Jeez, keep your voice down! That little kid at the next table is looking at you! Yidiot: (turns, looks–gives kid the finger, turns back, steals piece of bacon off dave’s plate) Doe: Oh my god...Dave is gonna freak! Schultzie: Relax, Doe. Dave is lining his pockets with swine as we speak. (everyone turns to look. sure enough–dave is at the breakfast-bar stuffing the pockets of his plaid blazer with strips of hot bacon) Ma: Oh my gosh--he did the same thing at MY house... Nancy: So? He likes bacon–let him be. Ma: You don’t understand–that guy uses bacon for a bookmark! I had to butcher three hogs just to keep him fed for a weekend. Dave: (coming back to table) Who ate my bacon? BG: (a flash of inspiration) The manager just came and took it off your plate–said you’d had enough. Dave: (suddenly serious, head snaps) Are you sh**ing me? BG: (laughs) No...Cheesy stole it. Dave: (gives cheese a murderous look) You put your filthy hands on my plate? Cheese: (alarmed--looks at beege) What??? Are you gonna let me take the rap for this? Yidiot: I told him not to, Dave. He wouldn’t listen. Schultzie: I saw the whole thing. I pretty sure I saw him finger your scrambled eggs, too. Doe: It was disgusting. CBOLAR: ( laughs) Yeah, what were you lookin’ for in there, Cheesy--spare change? Ma: (shakes head) That’s just wrong. (Gives cheese an accusing look) We should make you pay for breakfast! Waitress: (comes back, gives dave a shoulder rub) Who gets the check? Nancy: (points at cheesy) Give it to the troublemaker.|||What, no mention of Iano drilling a gloryhole in the mens room?|||Not with you.eat alone.Thanks to my sister i see you blocked bannibal. maybe read what she wrote.anyone does that to my only friend can eat .....! peace|||Can I visit the IHOP with Nancy to have a mexican omelette along with an order of pancakes topped with Maple Syrup? Or IHOP does not serve Greek-Americans anymore?|||Very funny.|||Expecting to find real maple syrup at an Ihop is like expecting to find real meat at Taco Bell.|||DON'T LAY A FINGER ON MY SCRAMBLED EGGS. just sayin' You have found your place in the SUN! cracked me all the way up, you did!|||I'm sorry to bother all of you , when your all having a good time eating ''I'm looking for a Greek poet' ..' he must be somewhere around here.?|||did she say Margarine??? you got to freaking be kidding me.... margarine? everyone knows it is made out of plastic and a bunch of other stuff you do Not want to Know about.. where the h e double toothpicks is my BUTTER?!!!|||See? I KNEW I couldn't take you guys out in public! What was I THINKING???? My four dogs are more well behaved than you all! AND YOU STUCK ME WITH THE TIP!!!!!|||Did I ever get a cup of coffee? Next time we need a bigger table I've got bruises from all the shenanigans!|||No|||Next week we go to Chillies! I want to see him pocket the guacamole.....|||Your remarks are inflammatory, insulting and antisemitic...How dare you call me a poet Sir! Just because one of the voices in my head spits sh!t out in accidental rhyme on occasion, does not give you the right to insult everyone else residing inside my cranial cavity. We are filing a formal complaint with ASPCA, NAACP, AARP, GTO, 401K, NASCAR, and the American Psychiatric Association. I hope you are prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Harrumph!