international house: Sun. Morn. 10:30 International House Of Pancakes Muncie, Indiana (corner booth) Nancy: God, I’d thought we’d NEVER get seated... Dave: (looks around in amazement) This place is a freaking MADHOUSE. Socrates: (smugly) I told you we should’ve got here earlier. Cheese: (mildly exasperated--having chosen the time) Jeez, Paul, we only waited fifteen minutes–what’s the problem? Dave: (fielding question) The problem, Head-Cheese, is that now I have to use the dumper! Somebody order me some coffee. Lizzy, could you move over, let me out? Lizzy: (gets to her feet, annoyed) Guess I don’t have much choice–fighting the turtle, are you? Dave: (slides out--giving her a dirty look, then ignores question) Cheese, can I get you anything while I’m in the can? Cheese: No, Dave–I think I’m gonna hold out for the buffet... Schultzie: Bring me back a couple urinal-cakes. (Dave smirks, heads towards the bathroom) Nancy: Wise choice, Schultzie. Socrates: (trying to be clever) I don’t know, Nancy. I’ve found the urinal-cakes in this establishment to be sub-par. Nancy: What’s wrong with them, Paul? Socrates: (sighs) I don’t know; I was just trying to be clever... Lizzy: Zagat’s writes they are brittle, leave burns on the roof of your mouth, and have an aftertaste reminiscent of Mint Listerene. Nancy: (impressed) Wow! Thanks for the warning--I was gonna get one ‘to go’. Lizzy: (drily) That’s what I’m here for. Cheese: They’re not bad with a little milk and brown-sugar... Socrates: I’m lactose intolerant... Lizzy: (nods to the entrance) Speaking of intolerant, look who just walked in...(heads swivel) Nancy: (genuinely shocked) Oh my god...Is that Hiram? Cheese: Yeah, I invited him...guess he’s running a little late. (waves H.H. over) H.H: Jesus, traffic was a *****! (to Lizzy) Hey, will you slide over a bit--can I sit down? Lizzy: Well, Dave is sitting here...but, ok. (Slides over, taking Dave’s spot) H.H: (sits down) So, what are we talking about? Nancy: Hello Hiram. We were just discussing urinal-cakes, and the best way to prepare them. H.H: (alarmed) Not the ones here! They’re terrible! Schultzie: They're not so bad...You just gotta hold ‘em under the blower for a few minutes...but not too long. Lizzy: (laughs) Yeah, there’s nothing worse than an overblown piss-biscuit. (Dave returns, chatting with waitress. She laughs--squeezing his biceps) Waitress: Coffee here, for everybody? (fills cups, everyone orders the breakfast bar) Dave: (to waitress--in exaggerated stage-whisper, as she fills last cup) You might wanna tell the dishwasher--the toilet in the men’s room needs serious attention... Waitress: (rolls eyes, smacking gum) When doesn’t it? (leaves) Dave: (looks at H.H.) Hello, Hiram...you took my seat. (looks around, grabs a chair from next table. Schultzie: Lizzy sold it to him. Where’s my potty-cake? Lizzy: Can we change the subject, for God’s sake? Dave: Sure. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: Did you know maple trees don’t really make maple syrup? It’s actually a by-product of dead possums and skunks that lived and subsequently died inside the tree. Socrates: (spits coffee, looks at Dave with disgust) So why just maple trees, genius? Nancy: (deadpan) You can get sap out of anything, Paul. Have you ever tried oak syrup? It’s nasty. H.H. You’re both wrong...The syrup is actually found in vast underground ‘aquifers’, not unlike oil. The maple trees use their extensive root system to pull it from depths of up to100 feet. Lizzy: Yes! The pools were created thousands of years ago by aliens... Schultzie: Here’s a little-known-fact: It was originally known as Mabel syrup...named after the lady who discovered it–Mabel Feinberg. Nancy: Yes! I read about that–she was walking through the deep-woods in northern Vermont in 1802, tripped over a small rock, and her front-teeth imbedded in the root of a white-maple. She lay there for six days, living only on what she could suck from the tree... Socrates: That’s right. She became a millionaire overnight. Great American success story. Lizzy: Emphasis on ‘suck’. (nobody laughs, Lizzy shakes head in disbelief) I’ll be here all week. Dave: (coughs politely) Speaking of syrup...Cheese, I thought you hated the syrup here...didn’t you swear you’d, “never come back to this sh*thole”? Cheese: (blushes) I came prepared, this time. (reaches in pocket, pulls out small bottle of Pure Maple Syrup) Nancy: (eying tiny bottle with disdain) I hope you brought enough for everybody. Dave: Cripe, Cheesy, how many possums have to die before that nasty habit of yours is finally sated?|||Awesome. Next time, describe the gym shorts (2 sizes too small) that HH was wearing along with his "Star Trek" t-shirt.|||Only if they were serving cheese, and it was in Wisconsin, and I could wear my cheesehead.--Interesting screenplay poem cw!--------------william|||I [think] I've seen this before, and it's very amusing... Am I not invited...don't take up much room, there's only 5' nothing of me...lol Have a great breakfast!|||I always bring my own maple syrup,why ruin a good pancake with schlock? Piss cakes? Uh,I'll pass....|||udderly tasteless, darling, ... I think I am speechless|||You are all characters in Pee-Wee Herman's Playhouse, lunatic version. God save the queen.|||You intellectuals have all the fun! You're working your way towards Illinois so tell me when you're here, cakes on me---ick what a thought!|||A well written breakfast. Just as well I wasn't there, those pancakes are no good for my waistline.|||I will never eat another poet, as long as I live, dammit. Pass the raspberries... ... Ahhhhh GEEZE GUYS!!!...Jam...I meant Jam!!! ... I love having breakfast with you all. (holds breath)|||MY GOD !!! I've been augmented! (I resent this) [and my crap beats Dave's any day]|||Even though I am not a Christian I object to being characterized as taking the lord's name in vain. That being said, pass the cakes, I'll have them with possum juice. Typo: I spelled that pissum but the iPhone corrected it. Happy Hallow-weenie cakes!!!|||Thank you to not include me, cuz I'm of another league I think, and my cookin stinks, but if ya like deep fried canpakes, yer gonna or I'll slap ya with the hot flipper. "May I have more please?" LOLOL. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmNTAvnSa…|||Hello Cheese. Good thing I was not there. I used to go to the IHOP in Boston, but we were discussing intellectual things, you know.. Like Football Play-offs, Sea Hawks, Patriots, Cowboys, Broncos. Soccer also, Greek mostly. When we finished about soccer too, we discussed about the strip joints downtown, in the Combat Zone. Niiice!!! You know, really intellectual things. By the way, how many sitting booths have you used? And was there a Christian to ask you, what the Hell were you talking about? (lol).